Feeling Out Of Control

I waited. I waited patiently. I waited for the picturesque life I had concocted in my head. The great life after depression. Yeah, that one.

I set myself up for failure though, which I’m sure is no big surprise. I made it a habit to just wait and hope for the best, but what I imagined “the best” to be was unrealistic. It was unrealistic because I imagined my life after depression, rather than imagining my life coping and processing through depression. I wanted to skip the hard work of working through mental illness and just be happy. Isn’t that what we all seek in the end?

I always waited for something to happen, for something (or someone) miraculous to take my depression away from me. There are hints of this in my last post regarding a letter I had written just five years ago. I gave my depression complete control over my life and never once did I question that… until I started going to therapy.

When I started therapy, it felt weird to focus on myself for an entire hour. I didn’t feel I had enough to really say to fill an hour’s worth of therapy, so I focused on others in my life and made my therapy sessions about them for about a month. My therapist gave me a month to realize what I was doing, and I’ll be honest, he helped me gain some self-awareness before I finally saw it. I was desperate for change but took no real ownership in my role for that potential change. That’s when my life started to shift for the better: When I acknowledged to myself that I have control in my life. I have control in who I surround myself with, what I spend my free time doing, my mentality toward work, school, anxiety, depression, LIFE.

That simple acknowledgement that this is, in fact, YOUR life is a game changer.

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – JK Rowling ⚡️✨

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